[Mage 2: The Dethroned Queen] Light: Meeting God

Out of Character (OOC):

Chronicle: Mage 2: The Dethroned Queen

Venue: Mage: The Awakening 2nd Edition

Chronicle Storyteller: Jerad Sayler

Assistant Storytellers: Hannah Nyland & Alex Van Belkum

Light's Epitaph: 
Meeting God

The following is a short journal entry from a Daimonoptikon recovered by the Sacred Realms cabal and found in a Scelesti lab located in a sub-basement of the Denver Museum of Nature & Science where Light was trapped in 2014.  Written by David Ledbetter (Light) and edited by Jerad Sayler.  This story really highlights Light's core belief in what he is doing based on what he witnessed during his Awakening and what he believed prior.  This Awakening is heavily religious...

There are those who say great intelligence is a wonderful thing. They clearly never lived with it. For example, in sixth grade my school held an event in the main auditorium where an acting troop was putting on William Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar. They put on their production, which was OK but not great. It played better in my mind. I had read the complete works of the Bard two years before, in fourth grade. The cast after their bows spoke to the auditorium about Shakespeare’s life and the play. They asked if anyone had seen the play before. In an auditorium of roughly 500 people only one hand went up. One guess as to who’s hand that was. They proceeded to ask who had seen any other plays by Shakespeare. One hand raised. They asked who had read any books by the Bard. One hand. And 500 pairs of eyes tuned to look at me.  I will leave it to your imagine what happened on the schoolyard later that day. Good times.

          And a year later in Pennsylvania in Biology class we were dissecting frogs. I head read the anatomy book a year before, and skill with sharp objects is second nature to me. In roughly five minutes my frog was skinned, its outer shell pinned open. Cardiovascular system, check. Circulatory system, check. Nervous system, check. 30 minutes later and I was done.  And every eye in the class turned on the creepy kid.

          A few years further down the line, I stay after World History, discussing the Dead Sea scrolls and their socioeconomic impact on modern theology with the teacher. A few kids waiting around stop to listen and are lost in the first few minutes of the conversation.

I do not illustrate these points for pity, merely to illustrate that intelligence and social awareness do not, at least in my case, mix.  I spent the majority of Elementary School through High School with a book in my hand, be it a textbook, a biography, one of the classic literary works, or plain old science fiction or fantasy. My mother was a contractor, she worked in a field where we moved every three years.  This did not help my faltering social skills. It seemed that each time we moved I would make a friend or two, get a modicum of closeness then move again. My younger siblings and I were often fobbed off on any after school program, daycare, or nanny my mother could find. As a single mother I will say she kept us fed and did her best.

My schoolwork was by and large boring. I found it easier to read the textbook and discuss concepts with my teachers after class than listen to the inane lectures geared to the slowest kids in my class. My homework was never in on time because it was boring but I aced every test. I spent my lunches in the library of my school, where I was on a first name basis with each of the librarians. I would march directly to the bus and home to my room to read until dinnertime.  Words, theory, and concepts. I lived in my own mind for the most part until I graduated High School. I knew children who had imaginary friends. I had an imaginary reality. Every day I spent controlling my emotions so the bullies would see no emotion or weakness, and spent my time alone in a mind that could see the connections they couldn’t. This one was from a poor, broken family, taking his aggression out on anyone around him. That one was afraid of anyone he viewed as superior, feeling that they diminished him. I could see the reasons behind the hatred, even if I felt nothing myself.

Most of the friends I made were through intellectual connections, not emotional ones. I could speak for hours about how the universe was formed or Egyptian burial rights. If you had asked me to describe happiness or sadness I would have been at a loss. Enough years of being persecuted and ostracized for being different burns that out of you. I became what I projected. Calm and detached. If I were to describe my mantra at that time it might have been, “See all, hear all, know all. Say nothing.” I have seen little in my life to show me this is not still very valid advice. 

My name, by the way, is James David Ledbetter. My mother always called me by my middle name, I am not sure why. My pet theory is in between my older brother Justin and my younger brother Josh she needed a break from the J names. I am about 5’ 9”, have brown hair and hazel eyes. Please insert the requisite joke about long walks on the beach by moonlight here. I like to roleplay, read, and play computer games. I like to learn.

The day I graduated High School I shipped out for Marine Corps Basic training. I made it through, I would say I excelled but to tell you the honest truth much of it is a blur to me now. I retreated even further into my mind and made it through. I was in the reserve, thankfully. I returned home and went on a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I was assigned to the Philladelphia, Pensylvania Mission under President James R. Mitchie. I arrived at the mission training center and began to learn “People Skills”. I am quite good at “People Skills,” when I can be bothered. They mostly involve listening, a skill I am good at. The mission was quite good for me. It did a number of things. It first reassured me that there is a divine creator. It allowed me to find some way to feign intrest, though I fear I am not as good at that now as I was then. And it set me up to be a better person.

 It helped me see that playing the ninja game with everyone I knew was not always appropriate. You know the ninja game. It is the one where you are standing in a room full of people and you picture how quickly you could neutralize them all. Or you are walking behind someone and soften your footfall as you lengthen your stride to see how close you can get before they notice you, counting coup. Or you picture a system, any system, and identify its weak points and the best way to exploit them. The ninja game was my favorite pastime. I dare to say I was (and am) pretty good at it.

I returned from my mission much recovered from boot camp and began schooling at Idaho State University, studying for a degree in Architecture. As much as I had disdained High School, I enjoyed College. For the first time in my life I felt freedom, pure and simple. I no longer had to be social or not social, constrained in my free time or not. Curiously the ability to completely withdraw helped me do the opposite. I came out of my shell and began to engage with persons. Please note I did not say people. The advantage of college was that I found a greater percentage of people who could keep up with my mental state than any previous period in my life. And due to the nature of studying intensively in at least one discipline I could speak to people about at least one thing.

I dated. Took a few girls out, did the getting to know you thing. I met the girl I would marry in a English class the college mandated we take, we had both tested out of the introductory level class. I was sitting in the hallway reading a book and waiting for the instructor to come and open the door to the classroom. She came down the hall, saw me and asked if the class was locked, then sat next to me. After introductions we talked. There are very few people who can challenge me in a mental arena. This girl could and did. We spent the next few hours talking. It became my habit to talk to her during class. Boring class anyway, had much better company. I ocassionaly would walk her to her car. She was in a relationship at the time so I continued to date. I became friends with another girl and got fairly close. She was dating someone else as well and got engaged. I shrugged it off and went back to my mothers house for the summer. I had no real contact with Kristina over the summer.

In the fall school started again. We went out to talk once or twice but both of us were still dating around. I went out with another girl for a few weeks who prayed about it and came to the conclusion I was not the one for her. I called Kristina up and asked if she wanted to go out. She had justed done much the same to her prospect and said yes. We sat and bonded over the fact that dating sucked. Over the course of the symester we spent more and more time together. I started arainging my day so I could catch her between classes. We got engaged in October and were married in December. I was, for the first time in my life, in love.

I will say this for emotional connection, it feels amazing, with the right person. We moved in together and started school. Kristina shortly after got pregnant. Seven months into that I was deployed.

Iraq in 2005 was wild. My unit was doing convoy security based out of Ar-Ramadi , a city in the Al Anbar province. We were responsible for the southern half of the country. Many were the IEDs that exploded in front of us, the potshots we took, and rpg’s we dodged. There was one night in the southern portion of the country we had stopped when one of the trucks we were escorting went down and had a rpg miss our lead vehicle by about two feet. In the back of the convoy we saw sparking wires. Someone had set up a string of explosives who’s detonator had failed. I was thankful for the shoddy work. We had a mortar one night hit a store of Paladin ammunition in the motor pool. The resultant cook off of several crates of it took a little over forty five minutes. My unit and I were huddled under concrete barriers. One of the guys in my unit, LCPL Ritzheimer had just bought a camera with NVG capability. He stuck it out of the enclosure. The film looked like the fourth of July with the number of explosions in the air.

It had been a few months since I had stepped off the plane back from Iraq, and my life was full of laughter and friends and family. My 8 month old daughter was perfect, I was with the woman I loved and my life was all I had been dreaming it could be. Kristina had grown so much while I was gone, stepping up into being a mother. And Anya was beautiful. I was starting to put the nightmares of my childhood and Iraq behind me and begin connecting again. It wasn't easy but I could see it was worth it. I had just gotten my discharge papers and gotten my Honorable Discharge.

We were on our way home from church, a few minute’s drive home when a truck careened into the side of our car. It hit the driver’s side. Kristina had been driving, I did not like to before I left and felt irrational road rage after doing convoy security. Anya’s car seat was behind her so she could get the baby in and out quickly. I don't remember much beyond the initial impact, throwing my arms toward my wife and shouting her name. We tumbled and my world went dark.

Have you ever woken up from a dream into a nightmare?

"CLEAR!" The EMT yells on the edge of my consciousness. I feel my body jump as the electricity courses through it. I scream then look around. I see the crumpled mass of my car. There are two forms on gurneys, covered in sheets. The knowledge hits me harder than the electric jolt did. I shake off the EMT. She is yelling at me but I do not hear her. I move like molasses to the gurneys and see my wife under a sheet. I flip the next and see my daughter. I have seen death; I know it when it is there. I scream and the last good bits of me flicker out.

I am not sure how long I stood screaming but I look up in time to see the emergency workers pry the door to the truck open. The driver slides out, I can smell the alcohol on him from where I am. No a scratch. I think, not a scratch on him. I feel the EMTs hand on my shoulder. I smell alcohol and burned rubber. I feel the sting of my injuries. I am not aware I have moved until I blink a moment later. My hands are wrapped around the throat of the driver. I am slamming his head against the pavement, over and over. His face is purple and he is not breathing. I hear someone screaming and realize it is me. I feel arms around my waist trying to pull me back and there are two police officers trying to break my grip. I stop screaming. I can still feel a pulse under my fingers. Not like this, I think. This bastard has not suffered enough for me to end him like this. His eyes are bleary and he is barely conscious but I grin into them. I wink, mentally promising him more pain than an eternity of hells. I was going to make him suffer in ways that would make the Norse gods flinch. I let him go and slide back off him, suddenly tired. I am barely aware as they strap me to a gurney and lift me out to the back of the ambulance. I was told later the driver survived and would not be pressing charges. Big of him.

I lay in the hospital for weeks, two compound fractures in my legs, one in my arm and a full seven broken ribs. They found a small round piece of metal imbedded in my xyphoid process, looked like a quarter in the scans but to take it out would have harmed more than helped..  I forced myself out of bed only for the funerals. No power on earth would keep me from them. My friends and Tina’s family were so kind. I was in no position to appreciate it.

          I return to my hospital to recover. And my mind was planning. I put my chances of destroying the murderer of my world without capture afterwards at +-86% with an additional 3% per year after the accident. But first I had to recover. I am not much for drugs, for the most part, so after a few days started to cope. I did need reading material, and some bright spark had left a quad, the standard works of my church, in a drawer. I was so done with that at the time. Fortunately in the next drawer down I found a different book. The title, "Magic," was intriguing. I always like a puzzle. studied it. The cover and pages were made of some kind of metal, an alloy of gold, I thought then, to be so thin. I opened the cover and found a note imprinted on the inside cover.

Dave,

When all seems lost remember the fire within.

Sariel

I had no idea who Sariel was, beyond being one of the apocryphal seven Archangels of Heaven. I mentally shrugged and opened the book. The title page has the word MAGIC in giant copperplate and under it in smaller letters, WRITTEN BY THE DICTATION OF THE ALMIGHTY TO ME, SARIEL, ACTING IN THE OFFICE OF METATRON. 

I am intrigued, if unbelieving. What felt like an eye blink later but which was closer to 11 hours by the clock on the wall I felt the hand of the nurse on my arm. She asked if I am OK and put my breakfast tray on the poorly designed table arm by the bed. I told her I am fine, picked up my fork and keep reading. I was more than just OK. I was getting a crash course in einstienian physics, Gravitonic waves, Archforming non euclidian curves, and more. I was fascinated, and it took my mind off the beast in my breast, running me toward becoming the destroyer.

I had not opened the door to what I think of as my madness since my mission for the church. That cold, calculating part of me that knows how to manipulate  situations and people, that treats the world like a chess game had blown wide open. I have heard people in my high school days I had discussed that side of me with use the term "sociopath". I could not have said if they were right or not but the rage I felt was a cold burning fire in my breast. If I did not distract myself I would have gone further mad.

My days took a on a routine. I would wake up to physical therapy, work through the afternoon, pretend normalcy till dinner and read the book till bed. Wash, rinse, repeat. My Dad had paid the bills for the hospital, with a large portion being chipped in from a "anonymous" donor. I checked in on the computer in the nurse’s office one day to confirm my suspicion that someone was feeling guilty. Yes indeed. It gave me a name, too. I smiled, baring my teeth.

The day before I leave the hospital I am... I want to say elated but emotion of any kind was beyond me. I was cognitively content. I was going to be leaving here and starting to train. The next part of my plan was to build up enough skill to be unnoticeable and traceless, a talent I already had in droves. I walked through the hospital, just working the kinks out of my muscles. I walked by the hospital chapel and stopped. I had not felt anything in weeks. I felt an overwhelming sense of anger.

I step in and shut the door behind me. The place is empty. I walk down the small room and with each step my anger grows. I stop before the pulpit. I do not generally yell when I am angry. I grow quiet and terse. I am not yelling as I look at the picture on the wall.

"I bet you are laughing your ass off up there. Give the poor bastard everything he ever wanted in life then rip it from him, I bet you and your angels are rolling on the floor with the irony. You bastard. My entire life I have defended you, worked for you, sacrificed for you. I have given all I had and followed you and all I asked in return was that my family be safe. And you don't even have the decency to do that. All powerful my ass. I have seen too much to say you do not exists but I will say you are a capricious son of a bitch. Why, damn you! She was all I had, all I wanted! It isn’t like you have given me a life in the lap of luxury or abounding in oh so much wealth but to take my wife and kid? That is sick even for you. You know what, I get it. I get why a third of all your kids turned their backs on you, you uncaring monster. You let them suffer and then expect all of us down here to look up and say "Thanks! feels great send more!" Fuck that. I am done. You don't even have the balls to explain yourself, you gutless fuck. Anytime anyone asks, WHY you just say "be still and know I am GOD". SO WHAT? That isn't an answer it is a shut up kid I am the boss. And even then, you expect reverence. Do you realize you sent those you call your children to hell? for what, a warm fuzzy? A dad of the year award? You have said men are that they might have joy but I am not that joyful now." I wound down and look at the picture again. I take a breath.

"This is it. I am giving you this opportunity to talk to me. In ten seconds I am turning around, walking through that door and never coming back. If there is a way to storm the gates of Heaven I will find it and I will find you. And you best believe I will damn well try to end you." I expected no reply. I count down from ten then shake my head. "Fuck yourself very much then. Goodbye." 

I turned and walked toward the door. Each step I took seemed slow. The room around me seemed to brighten. I feel tightness in my chest, then an overwhelming amount of pain. I collapse to the floor, clutching my chest. The last thing I see as I collapse is the picture on the wall.

I blink and find myself in a antechamber. In front of me is a archway, beyond which is a corridor. I am naked. I look around. The walls are uneven and swirled, strange bumps and ridges forming in an almost organic way, long smooth striations like muscle running over and around me, though the floor is flat. The floor is translucent and under it I see what must be millions of people, floating in what seems to be a solid substance. The deeper I look the more opague it gets. I tap the ground but it seems solid. Above the arch there is a plaque with the word SALIGIA above it. I recognize the refrence to the seven deadly sins.

I stand up and begin walking down the corridor. It smells faintly of sulpher here. I hear faint screaming coming from far away. The obvious conclusion is I realy pissed Him off and am in Hell. Guess the Daoists and my church were wrong. I know I probably rate it here but besides the poor people in the floor there doesn’t seem to be anyone around. I walk along. I come to a fork in the road and turn right. I have no real direction at the moment. If I had my way I would be in Heaven with my wife and baby but here I am.

I keep walking. As I do the first time I ever lied for gain comes into my mind. I am in first grade. My class is doing a activity. I do something that would make them think less of me and blame it on another. He denies it and my class tells him I do not lie. I am so guilty I immediately fess up. They all look hurt, but it was the right thing to do. I have carried the weight of that for years. I feel it lift off of me. I come to another crossroads. I feel the weight of each sin on my shoulders, an actual, physical weight. It is heavy but not as bad as it could have been. I walk.

I will spare you the story of each of my life's sins. As I relive each of them and ackngowledge my part in them they fall away from me. Gluttony, greed, and envy are the least of them, I am not that connected to things. I have occasionaly envied another persons emotional attachments but even then rarely. Sloth I have a little of, but not enough to weigh me down overmuch. Lust I have felt. It takes me a while to walk through there. Pride seems to permeate my life fairly consistently. I spend a subjective lifetime walking through Pride. I have not felt much Wrath till recent but I walk there as well. Each sin falls away, leaving me lighter. And at last I come to my latest sin, the hubris of challenging my creator. I am not sure I can let that one go. I come to a corner and turn. In front of me is a clearing, a culdisack amidst the strange roads. In the center is a tower. It is shaped like a gauntlet of iron, thrust up to the sky, its fingers outstretched.

I am not excited or scared. I am pissed. I set myself for the confrontation and storm in. I take in the room, there is a book on a pedestal in front of me and a set of stairs circling the towers inside. I look up but there is a ceiling there. The room is empty. I started up the stairs. The next floor is empty but for a great throne, made of swords. I move on. On the next floor I see a room full of books, I register they are like mine. I reach out and take one, slipping it into my pocket without really looking at it. I am still wrathful. I make a note to come back later if I can. I am not sure how many floors I pass, containing wonders. I keep climbing, and all the doors are open to me. I remember it feeling like eternity till I reached the top. It was certainly long enough for my anger to dissipate. I think I slept twice on my way up, and each time I was hungry a small white wafer appeared in my hand. No crap manna. Who knew? Driven by will and curiosity, I continued to climb. And on the third day I found the top.

It was an ordinary door. Made of wood, an old school latch mechanism, simple keyhole. A door. I looked at it, there at the top of the stairs, and then opened it. I stepped out to a city skyline like you wouldn't believe. Imagine standing on the top of the Chrysler building and looking out at the city, the massive buildings, the endless numbers of people, the limitless expanse of city. This was like that, times eternity. Each skyscraper seemed formed of gold and marble, rising majestically into the azure sky. The city spans all I can see. I walk to the edge of the tower to get a better look. The city is circular, on one side there is nothing, just a sheer cliff, on the other is the city, massive beyond imagining. At the very edge of my sight I see another tower, this one done in a motif of thorns, a massive tree rising from it. The roof is empty, it seems to be a platform between each of the fingers. They rise up around me. I walk to the other side and see a tower, glinting dully. It looks like it is made of lead, like the great lump of it I saw in elementary school. I turn back to the city. Below me a familiar figure looks up at the tower and waves. I wave uncertainly back. I blink and he is gone, but I would have sworn it was the man who raised me, my stepdad. I hear a gentle clearing of the throat beside me. I turn my head and meet His eyes.

I came up geared for war, the last stand of a profoundly broken man. I think if there is a torment to be had on Earth I may have tasted it, even if just in part. I gazed into the eyes of my God and I felt each of those hurts. I would describe the Creator for you, if I could. But His presence is overwhelming and to say after you see Him what race He was or what height  or His hair color, those things fall by the wayside in his presence. His eyes, for me, were brown like deep honey. Beyond that I can't say.

I knelt, for even now He is my God. I keep his gaze with mine and kneel. He waits a moment then tells me to rise. His voice is quiet but piercing, like the very best orators. A bit like James Earl Jones but not as deep and more compelling.

"I would let you admire the view a bit more but you did demand a meeting. Here I am. Ask your questions."

I look at him and the rage I have been feeling rushes through me again, undimmed by its brief sojourn. My hands clench and I unconsciously set my body in a stance, ready to attack or defend. My teeth grit together. "Why?" He doesn't disassemble or pretend to misunderstand. He knows I am asking why them, why evil, why Earth, why is any of it needed?

He sighs and sits back, the air seems to catch Him. "It would be very easy for me to say because I said so, you know. But I can see you wouldn't be satisfied with that. The complex answer is I cannot violate free will. I made a promise to someone and I can't violate my word. The second part of that is you have free will and always have. So did the driver, your wife, even your daughter. I did not interfere, and in this case neither did anything else. Mortals DIE, Dave."

"Mortals die, it is true, but you knew the price and you do nothing. You sit up here in your golden city and do shit. You are as useless to us now as tonsils. And yet here you are. How can a perfect being create a imperfect world, full of imperfect beings? You build some people messed up, you watch as lives are destroyed, as people suicide. You send natural disasters that kill hundreds to millions. You designed plagues that kill your children. You watched as your own Son was murdered. If you are not responsible for all the ills of the world you are at very least an accessory. Heck, if you are as omniscient as you claim you are an accessory before the fact. YOU KNEW they were going to die!" I am absolutely livid. I am not yelling but I am very terse.

He nods. "All those things are true. I am a perfect being. I did create an imperfect world. Full of imperfect beings, some of who are messed up. I send plagues and disasters. I sent My Son to die. For you. All for you."

I stare at Him. "For me? You let my wife and child die, for me." I am instantly icy calm. In my mind I am vectoring the attack; need to move faster than he can react. I have no hope of taking him on. I know this. It doesn't matter. I acknowledge I must have some value to Him; I would not be here if I didn't. I move my right foot up as fast as I can, snapping it toward his unprotected throat. I have never done it better.

He isn't there. I feel the air around me solidify. He is standing beside me.

"I wish you hadn't done that but I can see why you would. Let me explain. I know you know this, even if you will not acknowledge it right now. There are a few things that will clarify this. First, I did not create you, just your body. Second, every single human, every single one, has the potential for Godhood. They have unlimited ability to grow. Now here is the question. Think of the most debase, sick individual you can think of. Should I give unlimited power to create, to alter to know, to them? Obviously no. Should I take away free will, forcing that individual to act in ways that are good? Also no, he will never grow that way. So how do I give them the opportunity to grow? You need an eternal body, it is necessary for what is coming, and you all were stuck as you were. You needed a system to give you the opportunity to grow. And I had a Idea. A grand Idea. Why not let you prove to yourselves where you belong? Create a place that tries you, forces you to sink or rise to the top. I saw it would work. And it has."

"What do you mean an eternal body?" I ask him.

"One of the positive side effects of sending my Son down. Everyone who has a body, ever gets a perfected, immortal one. A body capable of resisting the Darkness. I will explain more in a minute. Think about what I have said."

I want to attack again. I want to hurt Him as I am hurting but I stop and think about it. Power. It always comes down to power. If I put the world and how it works as a system to determine who wields a little of it responsibly it makes a strange since. If an individual’s trials are tailored to his weaknesses then I could see it. And if the person running the trial was able to see and adapt the trial continually you weed the weak and unworthy. I look at Him and see He is telling the truth. I nod. The air around me lightens and I relax. I look at Him and see a being stuck between wanting what is best for His children and the need to keep them safe. A sojourn on Earth was not permanent, the trial would be a eye blink for Him. They come back, they decide where they belong. A perfect system.

          I look at Him and see the hurt it causes Him. To truly be Omniscient He must have felt every hurt as His own, every pain, and every shame. Punisher and punished as one. I kneel, in earnest this time, and bow my head. I can give genius its due. "My Lord, my God."

And as I do my hurts recede and for the first time in a long time I feel. I grieve. Understand this, I am not a man of emotions or crying, rare is the wasted moisture and breath for that uselessness. I cry, the tears for my hurt spilling from my eyes. His eyes crinkle in sorrow and He lifts me by the hand to my feet, and into His embrace.

I silently sobbed into His shoulder for I do not know how long. I stammer out an apology for my challenge and he shakes his head and turns me to the center of the tower. My wife and daughter stand there, pure and perfect, my wife with tears in her eyes as she runs to me. I embrace her and my daughter. I would share what we said but some moments are private. We talked. She is happy. My daughter is growing. After a time they leave, on to the next phase of existing.

"We should talk." He says. He walks over to the wall of the tower and folds his arms, leaning casually against the balustrade. He smiles at me with very white teeth. I walk over and look out over the city.

"I am yours to command. Oh Lord My God." I reply. I feel a little over formal but He is my creator.

His laugh is rich and mellow. "None of that. We have known each other much to long for formalities. Call me *" He tells me his name but my book says I should not repeat it. "You have some valid complaints, old friend. You were coming to this anyhow, but needs must I suppose..." I look out over the city.

"You let me say goodbye to her. I am yours to command, *." I am utterly sincere. For the time I got to see them I would have charged the gates of Heaven or Hell itself. To be given it as a gift is beyond priceless.

He looks at me and smiles again. "I need to tell you a story. It should illuminate some of the answers."

I nod. This is what He told me, standing in the tower of light in the city of gold.

In the beginning, there was the Darkness. And all things moved in the Darkness, for all things were one thing. And within the Darkness all things happened at once, for the Darkness was all. The Darkness was called Chaos.

Within the Chaos amongst all things there came the First Intelligence. And He was self-aware. There were other intelligences in the Darkness, for there were all things in the Darkness, but He was the first to see the Darkness and command it. And His title was *, the first and full of light, the Light of Intelligence. He is eternal. And for a time He was alone, contemplating the Darkness, for he alone had time. And for a time it was good.

And it came to pass that there was a second, like unto the First in power, full of fire and curiosity. And he was called Lightbringer, and Morningstar. He, also, was eternal. And he sat by the First and they together contemplated the Darkness. And for a time it was good.

          Within the Dark there were others, less full of the light. Lost in the chaos, these others grew or diminished in the darkness. And they too were sometimes self-aware, and sometimes not. They too, in their way, were eternal. And all things happened in the ever changing Static of the Chaos.

After a time the Second turned to the first and said, “Behold these little ones, the small lights in the Darkness. What are your thoughts on they?"

And the First nodded. When He spoke it seemed the Darkness listened. "I have seen them. I have a thought for them. Let us create a city where we might collect these Lights of Intelligence, as they grow self-aware, and keep them as we are, protected from the Darkness."

The second agreed, and together from the Darkness the created a Wall, a Land of perfection, and a City of Light. And though they were formed of Chaos they were not of it, the first creation of order. And so Heaven was made.

          Together the two searched through the Darkness, gathering such intelligences would come, and the self-aware Lights gathered. Together in the City of Light they formed a Society, a perfect rule governed by the First and greatest. And the second stood by His side. More and more gathered, and for a time, it was good.

As He is talking my mind is filling with images. I see the beginning, not as him but as a bright light in the Chaos. I see how the endless swirls of Chaos form a Intelligence, a spark of self-awareness, then rips it apart. I see them come together again. I was strong enough to hold myself together. I see the city form, the towers pushing through the Darkness, acting as anchors, giant pylons holding it up and together. I watch two lights come toward me and speak without words. I join them in the Golden city, proud to stand by their side.

          The First contemplated the Lights gathered, and though they did not diminish, they did not grow. Where the First was able to command the chaos they could but weakly affect it. And the Firsts heart was troubled, for He loved them.

And He looked to the second and said "Let us create a trying ground for these, our brethren, and those who would be as we can rise up, and those who wish to return to the Darkness may, and those who will stay unchanging will stay till they are ready." and the Second was glad.

          Together they stood in the great Amphitheater of heaven, and all the Intelligences there gathered. And the First spoke. He outlined a Plan for them. They would leave the Darkness, and the City of Gold and go to a place divided from them. They would be given choices and those choices would cause their light to grow or to dwindle. And in the end they would judge where they would stay, but all would have bodies like unto the Firsts.

He looked into my eyes and smiled. "I asked all of you if you would go, if you would dare all to be like me. And every single One raised their voice in acclaim. A yes to my mad crazy plan! All of you! and your voice was first, leading the way for the rest." His eyes glitter. "I never got the chance to say thank you for that."

I see it, the amphitheater, and the entire host gathered there. I watch as each of the intelligences enters. I know them all by name; I watch the amphitheater fill to its top. I am honored as one who can affect the darkness to sit by the podium towards the bottom. I listen as the plan is presented, as questions are asked and answered. And when He asks who would go I am the first to raise my voice in joy. How could I forget this?

          And all there gathered set to work, building a second wall outside the Darkness, beneath the Golden City, inside a Labyrinth of other realms and walls. Where the Golden city was nigh unto the Darkness and could work it directly, this new city would be nigh unaware of the Darkness. And the Darkness saw the new city and hungered.

I remember long meetings held with all the host, eons of planning, delegating, being delegated to, building, revising, and building again. We together under the direction of Him built the universe. His was the blueprint but we all helped. I was particularly proud of a shade of blue I had introduced to the sky of a hundred worlds, a sort of very light azure, and the introduction of plankton in marine environments.

And the darkness whispered in the ear of the Morningstar.

And the Universe was formed in the Labyrinth of the Supernal stars. All the Lights of the City of Gold came together to rejoice and make ready. In the Antechamber they sat. And the Morningstar spoke.

" *, What of those who do not chose greater light, but Darkness instead? What of them?"

I remember the Morningstar that day. Proud, almost arrogant. Tall and broad of shoulder with flaming red hair. Looking back I can see how desperate he was to be the Firsts equal, to have his approval.

And all quieted at the words of the Second, for none had thought they would choose to be less. The First looked on His brother with sad eyes, for he knew the whispers of Darkness and said, " I will send a Intercessor, a mediary to draw them back. And if the dark breaks through I will send a warrior, a shield to return them to here."

"And who then will be this Mediator?" Asked the Second.

"I will ask for a volunteer, a Light to go down and guide the way." The First replied.

There was in the Host a new Light, small and humble, as yet unable to more than twitch the currents of Chaos. And he looked frightened, but stood up before the assembled and said, "Here am I, send me, if it be thy will."

And the Second was full of wrath. "Look at him, this will be your mediator, your exemplar of intelligence, THIS? I think not. You all know me. I am the Second, the Lightbringer, the Morningstar. Let me act in this role and not a single intelligence will be lost. I will ensure all will come back, as glorious as we, and the very darkness shall be as this City. And all this shall be to my glory, and my throne shall be like thine."

It is said among the Host the first looked so tired and sad as He looked on his friend. His voice was slow and deep with regret, for He had seen the future, and knew what was to come. "They must have choice, Lightbringer. There is no light without choice, no growth without adversity. I choose the first to act in my stead."

My ears perked up. Had the Morningstar really missed the mention of a second, a warrior against the dark? He had, so bent on being the first.

And war came to Heaven, for even then the Lights had a choice. The Lightbringer swayed many with his words, and the Darkness in some responded, prompting others. The choice not to choose but to be prompted is a persistent one. The Second rose in wrath against the Throne, and was cast from the Golden City, beyond the darkness, locked within the Labyrinth under the new universe. And there the Lightbringer no more changed. From the thin strands of Chaos left from the great building he and his followers created a new layer. And there they still are.

In my mind the war plays out. Eons of war, intelligences debating, then speaking hurtful words, then fighting, diminishing their light. The arms race and build up. The skirmishes. The final confrontation. The Fall. I was a general, a warrior in the service of my King. I was there the day we threw the Morningstar down. I saw it all so clear. And I watched as the third who followed him were cast down as well. My friends and neighbors, Intelligences I had known from the beginning, who I had found in the Darkness, huddling together as they moved to the edges of the city and stepped over the edge. Each was offered the chance to recant, to return to the Light. Each refused. And so they fell.

I remember rebuilding, shoring up morale, restructuring for the fallen. I remember everything, a subjective eternity of pre-birth memory, all in my head. I acted as a General for Him, a scribe for Him, his mouthpiece and His arbiter of judgment. I was an angel of death. I was an archangel. I was lord of one of the great Towers of Creation, and its demense.  I remember HIS eyes when he clasped my shoulder to wish me farewell, at last on my way to get my body. He clasped me to his breast and said, "See you soon, Sariel. Return with honor." I stepped into the light...

And was born. I remember EVRYTHING.

He who created me smiles and Hands me a coin. I look down, It has SELARIEL in Enochian on one side and a tower shaped like a gauntlet on the other. I smile, He has given it to me before. I remember a trick and run my finger around the rim, making my name appear along it. He smiles and says, “The Darkness has broken through, my shield. It is time for you to push it back.”

I look askance at Him but he shakes His head. “I will explain later. I promise. Can I see that a second?" He gestures to the coin. I hand it to him. His hand blurs and hits the center of my chest. I feel a sharp pain there and look up at Him.

"What..." My vision blurs.

"CLEAR!" The EMT yells on the edge of my consciousness. I feel my body jump as the electricity courses through it. I scream then look around. I see the crumpled mass

of my car. There is my wife, sitting up. She looks fine, a few minor gashes. She is holding Anya in her arms. I am less suprised this go around. I stand as if in a daze. I rush over to them and Kristina looks at me like I am covered in blood. I feel a pain in my chest. I look down. There is a perfect circle in the center of it, in my breastbone above my heart. I smile to reassure her, feeling lightheaded. They have just pulled the driver out of the truck. I walk over to him. The EMT tries to hold me back and I let her. I look into his still dazed eyes.

"It all has a purpose. Learn from this and move on." I tell him.

They put me on a gurney and take me to the hospital. I reach into the second drawer down and pull out the book and open the cover and laugh.

Stay in touch.

It is time for some change, my family by my side. I feel like the world has unlimited potential. I am eager to start the rest of my life with them.